Getting your period a day early.

Enough said... except maybe %&*(#q@.

Since the birth of my fourth child my body is a stranger to me. As a woman in my twenties, I was 28 days on the calendar month in month out. Of course except during pregnancy. Immediately following pregnancy was no different. I'd have my normal month long healing time following delivery and then my periods would resume like clockwork. Regardless of nursing.

However following the last baby (I was just 32 when she was born) my body changed. My cycle got heavier. Crampier. On Day 2 it feels like my uterus will fall out on the ground if I stand too long. (*Pa-Loop* oops excuse me, don't step on that its mine.) Now my periods come 21 - 26 days apart. I don't know anymore and that is the problem.

So here we are on a sunny romantic 5 day getaway with my Aunt Flo riding shotgun.

Yee-haw.

I don't know anyone who enjoys having their picture taken.

I had the digital camera out yesterday at work and was snapping individual photos of the staff for the yearbook. Each time I rounded a corner with camera in hand someone groaned, rolled their eyes and turned their back to me. I'd plead, "Come on, turn around... it's for the record book!" They'd shuffle and their shoulders would slump, they'd tip their head, smile awkwardly and look totally forced.

Six, seven, eight photos later, it was my turn. I hand off the camera to the nearest adult and ready myself for my shot. I take a deep breath, suck in my gut and tighten up my tummy muscles as best as I can. I fake a close mouthed smile. Not too much chicklet teeth and shiny gums. The flash goes and I ask to see it (like I will ever approve). Ahck. EEw. Boobs McGillicutty. I make a mental note to never wear that shirt again and ask 'Take another?'

This time I smile a little wider. Some teeth, though I try to keep my upper lip down lower. At the same time I try to puff up my lips a little as once I smile bigger my lips thin out and disappear. Completely unnatural. FLASH!

OMG. What is up with that? I don't want the person taking the photo to think I am a completely self-indulgent nut so I say thanks for their time and meander down the hall to find someone else with better photo skills.

"Excuse me... I am taking pictures for the yearbook, would you take mine?" Pose. Suck in. Smile. FLASH. "Thank you." I grab the camera and immediately zoom in on the picture to find that my eyes are half closed. Oops, it looks like I've been in a chartreuse vw bug with a peace sign painted on the roof smoking up with Cheech and Chong. " Not great. Would you mind taking one more?"

They oblige (FLASH) and I take the camera back, say thanks and then hide around the corner where I can assess myself under a microscopic fault-finding lens.

OhmiGawd. Each digital picture I flip through isn't a good representation of me. I keep hoping with each photo I examine that I will look like someone else.

But no.
Its just me.
Me with a roll over the waistband of my pants.
Me with half closed eyes.
Me with no upper lip.
Me with giant boobs. (Mind you the person who took that photo was shorter than me - from that angle my head looks oddly small)

'Snap out of it!' I say to myself.

I decide to choose the worst of the worst (from the hips up, my head is turned slightly to the side and my eyes are rolling somewhat back in my head) just to teach myself a lesson.

I am who I am.
The boobs.
The rolls.
The sticky-uppy hair.
The thin upper-lip.
The chicklet teeth.

I decide that those who see the picture in the yearbook will remember me for NONE of those things. They will remember me for a smile at the door. A laugh down the hall. The stories and friendship shared. The way I loved their children.

I turn on the camera and stretch out my own arm. FLASH*

Shit. Still me.
Hey, I'm only human.

I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. (If I was a lab pup I would piddle on the floor.) My husband and I are taking 5 days away together. We are looooooooong overdue for a break away together.

Next Thursday morning I will send my children off to school and daycare and my husband and I will get in the van and drive to Penticton British Columbia. This is my favorite trip to make together. We only live about an hour and a half from the gateway to the Rocky Mountains. We leave in the morning and buy a picnic lunch of fresh vegetables and fruit, sandwich stuff and drinks in Canmore. Then we continue on through Banff National Park, on to Field BC where we stop by an icy blue river and enjoy lunch. Then we move on through to Golden and Revelstoke to Sicamous (LOVE Mara Lake). From there we'll head south towards Vernon and hit orchard country, where the land will change to rolling lush ranges of fruit trees and vegetables fields with farms and livestock and roadside vendors and flea markets. In the early evening we'll arrive in Kelowna and the northern tip of Lake Okanagan, travel south along the lake to wine country or more specifically, Penticton.

Now... I adore my children. I treasure memories of our family holidays. I look forward to vacations and getaways when the children are excited and get to experience wonderful new places. Invariably though, there are pee breaks, snack breaks, and movie changes. There are fights over 'you're in my space!' and crying jags when a small bum begins to fall asleep and then there is our faithfull puker, the poor child who suffers from motion sickness.

For a parent, a trip without your child can be as restful as a day at the spa. No headaches, no interruptions, no whining, no crying and no puking. You can eat at grown up restaurants and drive for six hours straight if your bladder allows it.

I take a book and a couple of magazines and my sunglasses. I kick off my shoes, roll down my window and stick my foot out and I savor every breath of fresh mountain and forest air. I stretch out in the sunshine and devour my books. I write and think and dream and plan.

And I stare at my sweetheart.

We make small talk. We laugh and playfight. We share our excitement. We hold hands. We watch for wildlife and choose our rest-stop together. We kiss. We talk about our goals and what we love about our family. What we need to work on as parents, partners and people. We drive for miles and say absolutely nothing. We talk about grown up things; aging parents, work committments and our siblings. We reminisce. We let our exhaustion play out. We get emotional. We reconnect. We pull off the road and fool around. We fall in love.

We sleep late. Enjoy coffee in the sun. Dress fancy. Eat in great restaurants. Walk in the sand. Talk about nothing. Enjoy each other. Have dynamite sex. Watch movies. Order in room service. We miss our children. We talk about our children. We get emotional. We're hopeless.

I feel sorry for couples who never make time to break away from their children. Or who don't recognize that time away together is a must. All of sudden one morning they wake up and little Susie is nine and they'd rather spit at each other than spend four nights alone together. It happens. I can see perfectly how easily it could happen.

It is required time. It is necessary for the survival of our relationship. In day to day life I begin to take him forgranted. We become parenting machines, one goes one way, the other goes the other way. We crawl into bed at night too exhausted to chat about the day let alone fire up any kind of spark that could lead to anything else! Over a period of days, weeks and then months we become roommates, sharing bathroom and kitchen space. We visit about work, deadlines and childrearing. The love is there, its just hidden under a layer of other stuff. We forget how much we adore each other.

But it's our time. And we're long overdue.
Eight more sleeps.

The Real Woman on the Run team set up a PR booth at the 'Moms on the Go' trade show yesterday in Sylvan Lake. In one of the many booths set up at this trade show, was a lovely young brunette woman (and her husband) who provide Angel Readings. This young lady spent an exhausting day consulting angels and reading cards. My younger sister decided she'd give it a whirl.

Heck... why not? Being the brave soul she is, she put her name on the day's appointment list: 2:00pm. She asked me if I'd like to go. ME?!!? NO. What are ya... NUTS?!!?

I don't DO psychics, mediums and angel readings.
I find the idea of all supernatural, intuitive, other realm stuff very unsettling.
It isn't that I am skeptical.
It isn't that I don't believe.
In fact, quite the opposite. I've heard many stories from friends about their wild and wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) experiences being 'read' and I watched my older sister have her cards read about 7 or 8 years ago.... and frankly I don't dig it. (I feel the same about ghosts and spirits. We have an understanding; I believe they exist but they are not allowed to materialize in front of me!!

However, my brave little sister kept her 2pm appointment with the Angel lady. When she finished and came back to the booth, she was lightly flushed and smirking. Even though I was scared, I was DYING to know.

"So what'd she say?" My stomach was whirling with anticipation. It wasn't even me that went and yet I wanted to throw up.

"She said... my guardian angel says, 'stay out of the chocolate and have a piece of fruit!'" she said laughing incredulously.

"What the...?" I thought this was funny, wierd and quirky... She was possibly even toying with me.
Then she said, "Do you know what is SO funny about that??? A few days ago I bought a package of 8 chocolate bars to bribe Eden to sit on the potty. And every night after my children go to bed, I eat a chocolate bar."

It was light and positive and funny. There was nothing menacing or ominous and still I could almost not cope with the idea that someone might be able to look at you and intuitively 'know' something and then tell you (right or not) about it.

It just isn't for me. I wish I was lighthearted and brave. I wish that I wasn't cursed with OCD and paranoia. But I am, and I must respect my own boundaries. And my boundaries say, if I do that, I can expect sleepless nights wrought with anticipation and obsessive worrying about what the cards say. It took me 35 years to figure that out about me.

You see, light and positive or menacing and ominous... I just don't need to know. I don't have the urge to be enlightened. I don't feel the need to get a glimpse of what might be up ahead. I believe that there is only one who knows my path, and we consult on a private basis, He and I. I choose to believe that He is the only one who guides my path.

And I choose to listen to and follow only Him.

Definition of the word TRUST (as found in the Miriam Webster On-Line Dictionary)

1 a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed 2 a : dependence on something future or contingent : HOPE b : reliance on future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered : CREDIT (bought furniture on trust) 3 a : a property interest held by one person for the benefit of another b : a combination of firms or corporations formed by a legal agreement; especially : one that reduces or threatens to reduce competition 4 archaic : TRUSTWORTHINESS 5 a (1) : a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship (2) : something committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of another b : responsible charge or office c : CARE, CUSTODY (the child committed to her trust)

Definition of the word TRUST (according to Real Woman on the Run Magazine)

1 a : the act of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual surrender : TRUST (In God I trust)


I am a control freak. I worry almost obsessively about all of the things I cannot control (Yes, I am aware that it isn't good for me, I'm working on it).

Intellectually, I am aware that ‘control’ of any person, thing or condition is an illusion.

Logically I know that I don't control anything outside of my own thoughts, my own words and my own actions.

This presents me with a constant challenge: to TRUST in the goodness and intention of a force that is bigger, more powerful and more loving than me.

Relinquishing and surrendering my desire (and sometimes my attempts) to control events, people and things around me is continual work.

For example: (1) My children are who they are and their lives are their own journey to travel. I can educate and support, but not control their path, their decisions or the outcome. (2) My colleagues are bright and interesting but ethics and priorities vary in individuals and I cannot control the result of their business choices. I recognize that we all have differing opinions, styles and capabilities so I don’t stress over their results and focus solely on my own. (3) My health is valuable and precious. I can eat well, exercise regularly, get a ton of rest, sunshine and fresh air, but it is no guarantee of what the future holds for me.

Trust requires that I release the pressure and anxiety surrounding the outcome of any story.

Time and again I have been shown the beauty of how surrender works. And time and again, I fall into old traps of perceiving I can influence ANYthing outside of my own thoughts, words and deeds.

My mom is one smart cookie. She often says 'It is what it is.' I hate that sentence. It irritates me like a sliver in my sock. It says to me, ‘it is what it is AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE IT!’ But like I said, she’s a smartie and I think she is teaching me (and maybe reminding herself at the same time) another way of practicing release. More like ‘it is what it is, and that’s all.’ No hidden meanings. No way around it. No way to change it.

When I surrender the thought of what it is I WANT (or DON'T WANT) to happen… and I mean, GENUINELY let go of my thoughts of control and influence and TRUST that all will be as it will be, I am always pleasantly surprised and in awe of what happens.

Not only are the results far better than anything I could have created through my own attempts to control but I experience overwhelming relief as the stress and strain of worry is lifted like an enormous boulder off my shoulders.

My homework: I must work more diligently at TRUSTing in the goodness and relief of surrender.

What is it that keeps us stuck?

We can be stuck in jobs that aren't challenging or fulfilling; relationships that are energy-draining and ulcerous. We get stuck in bodies that carry too much weight and are unwell. Even when we KNOW we are stuck and we fantasize about what it might feel like to break away; getting UNstuck can seem overwhelming, larger than life and totally terrifying.

"We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run down." - Aneurin Bevan

When being stuck can be SOOO painful, why do we stay locked in seemingly destined to spend our lives unfulfilled, energy-drained and unwell?

Because it's EASIER.

It's easier to trudge along day to day doing the 'same-same-Johnson', than it is to learn something new and risk (fill in the blank: disappointment, failure, change, hard work).
It's easier to go with the flow than it is to swim upstream.
It's easier to satisfy ourselves with instant gratification, than to persist, work and wait for the results.

"I run on the road, long before I dance under the lights." - Muhammad Ali

I am now 20 workdays away from finishing my current employment contract and it has been a good one. Two years of 'knowing, loving and serving' beautiful children, two terrific bosses, 12 lovely friends and colleagues and a growing community, an extended family. Add on to that, decent pay, health benefits and 8-10 weeks holidays over the course of a year...

WHAT AM I THINKING? I have a great job - security - laughter - paid professional development - praise - belonging - stability... (this list goes on and on and on). WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC GIVES UP ALL THOSE THINGS FOR THE UNKNOWN and THE UNFAMILIAR?

Well... me.

"I don't know anybody's road who's been paved perfectly for them, there are no manuals, you don't know what life has in store for you." - Drew Barrymore

There is a quality inherent in me that won't let me stay stuck. Even though I love where I am now and love where I've been in this 'making of me', I am ready to push harder and go farther.

I'm nervous. Scared. Unsure. Worried. I'm questioning. Concerned. Somedays I am confused. Distrustful of my decisions. Terrified.

But MOST of the time I am energized, excited, challenged, growing and happy. I feel the fear and do it anyway. For me, that's key. I know it's not comfortable and I know there are no guarantees... for anything. So I make the fear an ally. I welcome it along for the ride and I get comfortable with the fact that even though I know I'm scared, it isn't enough to stop me.

And hell, if I fall flat on my face and am dirtpoor, penniless and am a laughing stock... I'll go get another job.

I have been a waitress before... I'll do whatever it takes.

"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting." - Buddha