I've been avoiding you.
All of you.
I've been keeping a secret from you, in the hopes that if I held my breath, kept the curtains drawn and the blankets over my head, eventually I'd come around and you'd be none the wiser.
But that's the thing about secrets. They don't like to be avoided. Or burried. They have a way of wriggling out from under you. And the harder you try to keep your secret under wraps - the more difficult it becomes to control.
"Anything you hide in the basement has a way of burrowing under the house and showing up on the front lawn." - Howard Sasportas
Secrets are dangerous, mostly to the keeper of the secret.
That's because the one who is keeping the secret mistakenly thinks that if anyone knew the truth, they might not be loved/valuable/respected anymore. Think of the abuse victim. The closet eater. The addict. The homosexual young person who doesn't feel as though they can tell anyone their truth.
Secrets are dangerous because they have to do with shame.
Shame is defined as a painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc, done by oneself or another.
Shame is a poison that seeps from your mind through your body, invades every pore and leaves you feeling like an invisible plague. If people really knew the real you... you'd be abandoned, unforgiveable and unlovable.
Truthfully, secrets are most often nowhere near as bad as we think they are. We build them up to be so huge in our mind that the fear of being 'found out' is terrifying. The fear of someone knowing your secret can make you feel as though your personal safety may be at risk.
FEAR = false expectations appearing real
I believe that everybody has a secret they feel is embarassing, shameful or unforgivable. I also believe that we all walk around thinking that we're the only one that has a secret THAT bad.
The funny thing is, if you were to share your secret with just one safe person, you'd feel infinitely better. Especially when you got guffawed at and then told "oh yeah?... you think that's bad?.... well I did... (such and such)!"
Secrets and shame are self-worth stealers. Holding onto secrets and old shame mean you aren't forgiving yourself or moving forward with clean breath and a clear conscience.
Carl Jung, the famous Swiss psychologist believed that everyone has a Shadow Self. The Shadow Self is everything within us that is unconscious, repressed, undeveloped and denied. It is our dark side as well as our light, and he believed that there is positive undeveloped potential in the Shadow that we don’t know about. (This is because anything that is unconscious, we aren't acutely aware of... right
Basically, our shadow self is a part of us that exhibits the characteristics we deem "bad" or "unwelcome." We try to deny those aspects of ourselves so that we can be "good." Shadow theory says that we must make friends with our shadow selves, because they are part of us, and by denying them, we give them strength.
Too heebie-jeebie for you?
Dont' worry... I'm not a demon. I didn't break the law. Or harm anyone. Although, I have done some SUPER STUPID stuff in my lifetime! But that's another blog... (or book
'This thing of darkness I acknowlege mine. There is nothing more confining than the prison we don't know we are in.' - William Shakespeare
My secret is that I battle with anxiety disorder, depression and compulsive behaviours... and have for almost my whole life. (for those who know and love me and are close to me, this is NO secret.)
And the reason I've been avoiding you, is because I didn't have anything positive, happy, motivating or inspiring to say. And I didn't want you to know what I was feeling (secret). It's part of a social stigma. If you know the 'real' me - then you might not 'get' me, 'like' me or 'respect' me anymore (shame). My anxiety/depression/compulsions is a part of me that I try to keep at bay, under wraps - as far away from 'me' as possible(shadow self). There are ways to cope with it (staying healthy, active, rested and being kind to myself) but when I deny it... avoid it... hate it... am scared of it.... it hits me full force.
'The most common form of despair is not being who you are.' - Kirkegaard
So I'd been avoiding writing because I'd been battling with my 'shadow-self', trying to keep it away from my work, my family, my friends and my marriage. But the more I resist, the more it persists.
My anxiety builds and my depression deepens until I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to get up. I can't make decisions. I am completely unmotivated. I am obsessive in my thinking. I have trouble smiling. (I know - me? not smiling I cry. And even on the sunny days, I feel as though I am in a fog.
It's been coming over a few months. My first mistake was becoming entirely focused on my business, and stopped taking care of my body. I allowed myself to 'burn out' - When I look back to the winter, I can see my unhappiness building in my work. I can read it in my writing.
Tten days ago it began working its way to the surface... Worry, guilt, shame, fear, coming up from the inside, pushing it's way out. Reminding me I'm not worthy of happiness, success and joy.
But I'd been capping it. Trying to keep a lid on it. Attempting to control it. Until I make myself 'sick'.
Here's proof that the Lord always knows exactly what you need, if you just ask.
It was my husband who saw it first. He knows me so well. He'd say I can see that you're not yourself. But I didn't know what to do with it. So I said I needed to start running again.
Then, two days ago, I had a melt down. On the side of the road, I couldn't decide where to go. Should I push myself to work? or drive myself home? Work meant being awake and would mean my mind was going non-stop crazy. Home meant I could draw the shades and climb under a blanket and avoid the world.
I called my mom.
She's been with me since the beginning remember - and has watched me deal with my 'stuff' since I was a little girl (when I inexplicably pulled out every last eyelash and eyebrow hair - imagine that trauma for a mother
. Her unconditional love and practicality meant I had a sounding board and a hand up.
Lastly it was a sweet friend who told me that instead of hiding my 'real' self from everyone in an attempt to appear always strong, unaffected and sunny, I should allow my 'shadow self' to tell my truth.
To tell my secret.
She thinks that is what makes me my unique self. That there is honesty and healing in sharing my truth. And that by sharing my shadow self, I will make peace with my dark side. That by accepting it as a part of who I am, it loosens it grip on me.
"The shadow self is what sabotages our relationships, jobs, it denies our spirit, keeps us from realizing our destiny and dreams. It is what we sweep under the rug. It gets buried and repressed into our deep unconscious self. The shadow is what we don't want to be. It seems so horrible and grotesque feeding into our greatest fear that someone might discover our dark shameful secret --- further repressing it. " - Deborah Eidison
So let's play a game for a second:
maybe your secret is not mental illness.
Maybe you got drunk in college and slept with your roommate's boyfriend - or you've done your share of illegal drugs and loved it all - or you lied about your age and occupation - or you falsely believe that you were responsible for your mom and dad divorcing when you were nine - or you get up when the house is sleeping and eat a carton of brownie ice cream - or you've had sex with 42 men and you liked ALL of it - or you keyed up ten cars on Halloween when you were 17 - or you cheated on your exams - or you terribly bullied a kid in junior high - or that you are on the brink of bankrupcy AGAIN because you are purchasing pretty things to make yourself feel better...
WHATEVER it is that you are hanging onto, or running away from - thinking that noone would ever love you again if they only knew the 'real' you...
I get it.
I get you.
And you're still loveable. Flaws and all.
Me, too.
