I am so tired that I can't even put a whole thought together.
On top of that I am officially the world's shittiest mother, I don't like my husband today and
well,
I suck.
My days evaporate into my work on the magazine.
I am trying hard, but after a whole year of building, planning and growing I don't know what to do next.
I am trying to connect to some sort of inner voice - and I can't get my brain to shut up. I am dizzy with my to do list and my shoulders ache from business stress. It is the first time that a hot bath and a good night's sleep doesn't solve anything. I am not sure how to get clear.
What pisses me off is that in a different way I am back at this pivotal point of hard work - I am standing at the bottom of a mountain looking up at it thinking - 'you want me to go where?' I feel like I am slogging along putting one foot in front of the other to try to get ahead. And my boots are heavy with mud.
Even that doesn't make sense.
When I was a single mom and worked three jobs I felt like this.
When I found out that the boyfriend I moved in with had a cocaine problem and I lost all my furniture I felt like this.
When I was depressed I felt like this.
Clouded. Stressed. Unclear. Unsure. Uncapable. Exhuasted.
And I am right pissed off about that.
Yes, I want this to be easier. I want to succeed. I want MORE.
I want a bank account that has money in it.
I want to know that there is money in my bank account to pay my power bill.
I want to feel like I am getting somewhere.
I want to take a holiday with my kids.
I want to not worry about money.
Why does everything in the whole world boil down to money? I can understand why money drives people to do terrible things. Because there is nothing in the world quite like lack.
Then I am pissed off some more because I have everything a woman could want.
Four beautiful healthy children. (that I feel as though I ignore)
Friends. (that don't want to spend time with me because I have a one-track magazine mind)
A husband. (that I don't want to talk to because we are both so stubborn that the longer we spend not talking and not connecting the easier it is to say - fine, who needs you
I should be completely happy and at peace.
And instead I am struggling.
Is this normal?
How did I get here?
Does everyone feel like this?
Or am I cycling through something?
I saw my kids for less than two hours today.
I had a meeting at 4:30pm and a practice at 7:00pm.
I didn't want to come home.
I feel like I want to run away and run until I can't run anymore.
I feel like I want to breakdown into a puddle.
I want someone to scoop me up and treat me like I'M the child.
I want help.
I want time alone.
When I got home my eight year old daughter said, "Mom, will you come to the school at 10:45 and celebrate Spring with my class?"
One more time I say no.
"No, Lydia. I have appointments in the city tomorrow. I can't come to the school tomorrow. I need to go to the city for meetings."
And I turn her down.
And then I am pissed off at me.
Because I am turning her down for people who are turning me down.
And I am tired.
And I feel guilty.
This is what I preach about.
All I have is this second and this second and this second.
Seconds I can never get back.
And I am trying not to be pissed off about that.
I warned you -
This too shall pass?