Every pore in my body, every cell in my brain, every receptor and transmitter in my psyche... soaks up what is happening in the world around me. Due to the sheer volume of negative information being thrown out through media (radio, newspapers and television) and on top of that, the negative opinions and attitudes I encounter in a day's 'work', sometimes little ol' me feels like there is a big ol' dumptruck sitting on my chest. Like today.
Today I have a boulder lodged somewhere between my breastbone and my shoulder blades. I have been soaking in tension where I work. People coming in and out of my office to dig in 'community' file cabinets, messing up my quiet spaces. Government officials, non-stop telephone calls, no authority on site today to handle the messy stuff. A set of stitches, an accident report, dirty dishes, mounting paperwork, and NONE of it is mine. (Except for my period, which is of course mine, and while it doesn't stress me out, the wave of additional hormones probably is affecting the way I am responding to all of it.)
I don't intentionally allow things to get to me. It is the way I am built. I don't 'detach' from pain, trauma and human-suffering very well. I can't 'tune out' on demand and while I don't WANT to carry additional stress, once I hear it or see it, it takes me a long, LONG time to shake. Whether it is the little stuff, like bearing witness to a co-worker's plight or, big stuff, like upset children with unstable home lives... those stresses one-by-one attach to me. Like barnacles to the bottom of a boat.
As I age it gets worse! For example: if I watch a high intensity action/thriller movie and then try to immediately go to bed, there is no sleep to come! My entire body has trouble relaxing. My 'fight or flight' response goes into overdrive. I lay awake, stiff and tense, simmering in stress hormone. Not long ago, a lovely Aunt of mine shared a horrifying story about being the first upon the scene of a fatal collision; I worried about her, the deceased and the deceased's parents for several days. It didn't even happen TO me. (thank the sweet Lord and no offense Auntie)
There must be some sort of a technique I could learn in order to surrender and release the accumulated tension. Maybe tai-chi or some kind of meditation that would clear my thoughts and let the stress out. Yoga. Spa treatments. Confession. Adovan. I don't know. I could just see me now, trying to downward dog myself into a state of total zen. Bum in the air, deep breathing, practicing a state of calm while on the inside thinking: dry-cleaner, reconcile accounts, OHM, roast at 325, muffins for grade one, finish business plan, stain treat the dress shirt, OHM, deliver birthday present, guitar lesson, get to gym, OHM, followup with authorities, eye appointments, groceries, OHM... until from my zen-like state I would open my eyes, look between my ankles, see the dustballs rolling around the laminate, get pissed off and grab the vaccuum.
Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for the gift of empathy. I am a compassionate person; very intuitive and I read people very well. These skills assist me in being an excellent communicator, great listener, decent friend and terrific mother and wife. They also ensure that I have a strong sense of fairness and justice and that my social conscious is never asleep. I couldn't imagine never feeling a sense of care or empathy for another human being (or creature
. Unfortunately for me, it also means that I subconsciously offer to help others carry the load they bear. And I don't need to.Sometimes taking good care of oneself means doing a little 'housecleaning.' Taking out the trash and weeding the garden. How much of the extra crap I am carrying around with me is actually mine to own? How much of it belongs to someone else? What can I do to keep ME as healthy and focused as I can be? I need to practice packing up the stuff I 'borrowed' from everybody else and return it to them. If I got rid of everything that was not mine to worry about... how much would I have to worry about?
Very damn little.