For One More Day

Mitch Albom's newest book titled For One More Day was featured yesterday on Oprah. The premise of the book: If you had the chance to spend one more day with anyone, who would it be and how would you spend it?" Oprah's movie company Harpo Films has made it into a TV movie which will air on Sunday Dec 9. Mitch Albom's other books include, Tuesdays With Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven. (also a TV movie)

I lost my dad when he was forty two and I was twenty one.

Almost sixteen whole years after his sudden death, and the possibilities in that single question practically paralyze me.

What would I do if I could have one more day?

My thoughts swirl.

I envision the complete shock.
I can see him now.
If I close my eyes, I can see his shoulders.
His strength.
The way his hair curled.
The shape of his jaw.
His wide smile.

I picture the celebration.
The years of hoping that we were wrong realized in truth.
The joy in stories and the sorrow for time lost.
I picture him consoling us.

I imagine his disbelief; that anything he'd ever done here on earth would end up so beautiful; his family.
Grown up and mothers of good kids.
Wouldn't he be so amazed at these beautiful children?

What would I do if I could have one more day?
What would we talk about?
What would I say?
How would I use my time with him?

Deep remorse and embarrassment surfaces. I was such a mixed up girl when he died.
How is it possible after all this time and all this growth and all this acheivement, the first thing I want to do is apologize?

Don't I think he knows how the story ends?

But I am so deeply sorry.

I'm sorry for all the times I let you down.
I'm sorry for embarrassing you.
I'm sorry if you ever felt used.
Or deceived.
I'm sorry for all the times I made you worry about me.
I am sorry for the shitty decisions I made.
I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't doing a good job as a parent.
I'm sorry that I didn't shine bigger and brighter while you were here so that I could see you really be proud of who I am.
I'm sorry that I put you through the pain, frustration and anger of watching a child struggle with destructive patterns and habits.

This posed question and the feelings it stirs, makes me want to bargain. "I'll be a good girl if you just come back." But I am closer to fourty that twenty, and bargaining never worked then and it won't work now.

And in the flood of raw emotions, I am mad as hell.
Because he got ripped off.
He appreciated every second. Every new leaf in the spring and every breath of icy winter. He treated each person with fairness and kindness and each animal with dignity. He was respected and respectful. And I am so proud he was my dad.

I'm mad because WE got ripped off.

No matter how old you are - or get - losing a parent makes you an orphan. And although sixteen years have passed, some days it feels like a fresh wound.

Truth be told, if I was offered one more day, I'd have to think hard about it.

I don't think I could spend just one day and then say good bye all over again. One more day with him now wouldn't offer me anything new or satisfying that would tie me over to the end of my life.

It would just be too hard to lose him all over again.
I'll settle for dreams and memories.


Good thing God knows what he is doing... even though I can never hope to understand it.