Things I've Learned Very Recently

A true test of patience is filling the coffeemaker with water.

No matter how many angles I pour from, no matter how big of a hurry I'm in, no matter how careful I am - the water only goes from the carafe into the coffee maker at one speed - sloth.

I am learning daily the calmness and steady hand it requires to fill the coffee machine. Why can't they design a coffee pot that is easier to pour without soaking the counter?

Tae Bo is for kamikazes.

So, you think you're fit? That Billy Blanks is GOOD at what he does. There he is staring at me through the TV, cheering me on in my quest for buns of steel - 'that's it girl... you got it... lookin' good!'  Yeah, looking good alright... like a giant chicken flapping my wings and scratching at the hardwood floor in the living room, with sweat dripping into my eyes and my boobs flopping up and down so hard I'm practically thrown off balance. But, I'm not ready to give up yet.

Just because you have grey hair doesn't mean you're nice.

Sounds funny, but honesty, I was niave. All grey haired people I've known are lovely wise and kind people. Apparently, this is not alwasy the case. Just because you've grown old doesn't mean you've grown up. Makes sense, doesn't it.

Some days I'm a fashion DO - some days I'm a fashion DON'T.

I tend to be fashion maven. But it gives me great pleasure once in a while to go the grocery store in cut off sweatpants, no bra, slippers, with not a lick of make-up on and my hair not combed. It is my "I am a Real Woman!" statement.

Most of us look like Phyllis Diller in the morning. Get over yourself. You get eye-boogers, too. Don't pretend you don't.

I can remain calm with my kids behind the wheel.

Sunday morning I let my fourteen year old daughter drive 30 kilometers to my mother's house for brunch, on highways and in the city. Then my son drove the same route home. They did a great job driving and I was calm, alert and avoided giving myself a hernia.

Labial Reduction Surgery is quickly becoming one of the most popular cosmetic surgerys to have.

Whoa! That came out of nowhere!

Know where your labia is? (If not, Google it and spare me the discomfort of explaining...) Apparently, now you can have oddly shaped and stretched out labia trimmed up so your cookie is pretty. (Oprah calls it a Va-jay-jay - for this blog - so I don't get completely spammed by p*rn sites- I'll refer to it as a cookie.) 

I guess if you are plagued by one enormous labia that occasionally gets caught in a zipper, you might benefit from a Labial Reduction. But to me, it's just ONE MORE WAY that women are hacking themselves up in the name of 'beauty' to appear more desireable to men.

Trust me, you will NEVER see a Scrotal One Ball Liftectomy on the Top Five Most Popular Plastic Surgery list.

No matter how politcally correct or socially sensitve you try to be - you will always inevitably offend someone.

Case in point, the 'labia caught in the zipper' statement above. Suck it up, princess. Not everyone is going to love you.