I had tea the other night with one of my sisters, her sister-in-law, and her life-long best friend. Between the four of us, we make a diverse enough group: one single mom, one married, two remarried and blended families. ALL holding strong opinions. Well, three of us anyways.
This is what I love about women. (I am such a talker.) I LOVE when women get together to share what is happening in their own lives; what's working, what's not. What makes them happy, what stresses them out, what drives them absolutely crazy. It is a gold mine for all who partake in the conversation. Everyone gets time to share their little tidbits... some share more than others. When the conversations end, if successful, all should come away feeling heard, validated and a little more refreshed. Usually the conversation encompasses a laugh, a rant and a rave or two, sometimes even the occasional tear (or all out breakdown).
So our own conversation darted about; summer plans, mutual acquaintances, jobs and stressors, husbands or lack thereof, family, parenting.
Three of the four of us are parenting pre-teens and teenagers. It is uncharted territory. All our firsts, or onlys, but we were able to laugh at each others stories of parenting struggles with developing young adults.
I've said before, I try to live by the parenting code that the single goal of parenting is to raise a functional adult. Someone who will be successful at living and loving and in turn, eventually raising the next generation. I personally find it difficult to always remember that code. It is very easy to lose sight of the 'carrot' when I am the donkey trudging along step by step. I also find it difficult to remember that it is a normal stage in growth and development to have pre-teens and teens that cannot see outside themselves.
Teenage years are 'all about me'. 'What do I want? How do I feel? How can I feel better? How come noone likes me? How come you always pick on me? How come I don't have a boyfriend? How come my boobs aren't as big (or little) as Jessica So&So? Why won't my mom let me get my nose-pierced? She is so mean... after all I am 13!! Why can't I hang out with all my other 14 year old friends in the 7-11 parking lot?' I am sure you get the point. After all, we were all 13 once... only by the time I even THOUGHT about questioning my parents reasons for anything or talking back, I was 17.
With all that in mind, back to our conversation. During the topic of parenting, the conversation veered to the highly sensitive and emotionally charged topic of discipline. What do you do when 1-2-3 Magic doesn't work anymore? When groundings and timeouts get left behind with tinker toys and barbie dolls? Eventually the conversation rolled into: How do you feel about spanking? Or a knuckle-rap on the top of the head? How about a light kick in the rump with the instep of your foot.
As a child I would get a light boot on the bottom for messing up. Or a flick on the top of the head when I wasn't paying attention. My husband's mother (there were 9 children in his family) made them cut their own switch from the bushes out front of their house and bare-butt whooped them when they were out of hand. In spite of rubbing the occasional sore butt cheek, I believe for the most part we turned out to good adults, parents and citizens. Those disciplinary actions did NOT mean I was not abused. It was simply the appropriate lesson in cause and effect. Of choice and consequence. And it worked.
The same was to be said for schools. There was a respect for teachers. There was a general diligence and calmness in the classrooms. There was in fact, a little teensy bit of fear that kept you in line. Not mortal fear, fight or flight signaling serious danger, but the fear of just consequences for crumby behavior.
Chances were if you messed up at school and came from the average household you were probably MORE worried about what would happen to you when you got home. Don't get me wrong, there was always a jackass or two, but the teachers were in a position to remove students who refused to cooperate and they were allowed to honor themselves and protect themselves as well as other students from witnessing unnecessary outbursts.
And then as my sister's good friend so truthfully stated, 'the pendulum swung the other way.' And it got stuck there.
Now parents are hesitant to discipline their children in grocery stores when they are having a temper tantrum for fear that a stranger will judge their parenting or worse yet report them. I would bet that almost any adult over 35 or 40, if waiting in line behind me in the grocery checkout when my four year old decides to go off like a siren because I won’t buy her gum, is secretly wishing I'd lift that child up and ‘give her something to cry about.’
I'm not a spanker. I'm a talker. A rationalizer. A privilege remover.
I realize all children are not difficult all the time. I don't believe that physical discipline is a good solution or 'consequence' for bad behavior or poor choices. However I also don't believe that we have done our children any favours by empowering them with a status that prevents parents from raising and disciplining their children in a reasonable and responsible way.
There is so much positive to be learned from rules, boundaries and consequences. Even as adults, a little bit of fear and consequence is what keeps us from doing really stupid stuff.
As I mentioned above, this is a highly sensitive subject. And I am by no means, suggesting that physical discipline is an answer to raising children in challenging moments. And I do realize that there are situations where authorities MUST be called for the safety of the children. That is a whole other blog.
However, I wonder if we aren't just beginning to see the full impact of our 'inaction'. While I don't personally advocate physical discipline as a way to guide and correct inappropriate behavior, I also don’t believe that a child, 9 or 16, should be able to tell an adult to stick it up their ass and be justified by society at large to do so.
Society encourages parents to tell your child how you feel when they use hurtful words. Rationalize. Compromise. Empathize. Victimize.
And when that doesn't work parents are encouraged to take away the child's Nintendo DS, IPOD, portable personal DVD player and cell phone.
Yikes.
This is what I love about women. (I am such a talker.) I LOVE when women get together to share what is happening in their own lives; what's working, what's not. What makes them happy, what stresses them out, what drives them absolutely crazy. It is a gold mine for all who partake in the conversation. Everyone gets time to share their little tidbits... some share more than others. When the conversations end, if successful, all should come away feeling heard, validated and a little more refreshed. Usually the conversation encompasses a laugh, a rant and a rave or two, sometimes even the occasional tear (or all out breakdown).
So our own conversation darted about; summer plans, mutual acquaintances, jobs and stressors, husbands or lack thereof, family, parenting.
Three of the four of us are parenting pre-teens and teenagers. It is uncharted territory. All our firsts, or onlys, but we were able to laugh at each others stories of parenting struggles with developing young adults.
I've said before, I try to live by the parenting code that the single goal of parenting is to raise a functional adult. Someone who will be successful at living and loving and in turn, eventually raising the next generation. I personally find it difficult to always remember that code. It is very easy to lose sight of the 'carrot' when I am the donkey trudging along step by step. I also find it difficult to remember that it is a normal stage in growth and development to have pre-teens and teens that cannot see outside themselves.
Teenage years are 'all about me'. 'What do I want? How do I feel? How can I feel better? How come noone likes me? How come you always pick on me? How come I don't have a boyfriend? How come my boobs aren't as big (or little) as Jessica So&So? Why won't my mom let me get my nose-pierced? She is so mean... after all I am 13!! Why can't I hang out with all my other 14 year old friends in the 7-11 parking lot?' I am sure you get the point. After all, we were all 13 once... only by the time I even THOUGHT about questioning my parents reasons for anything or talking back, I was 17.
With all that in mind, back to our conversation. During the topic of parenting, the conversation veered to the highly sensitive and emotionally charged topic of discipline. What do you do when 1-2-3 Magic doesn't work anymore? When groundings and timeouts get left behind with tinker toys and barbie dolls? Eventually the conversation rolled into: How do you feel about spanking? Or a knuckle-rap on the top of the head? How about a light kick in the rump with the instep of your foot.
As a child I would get a light boot on the bottom for messing up. Or a flick on the top of the head when I wasn't paying attention. My husband's mother (there were 9 children in his family) made them cut their own switch from the bushes out front of their house and bare-butt whooped them when they were out of hand. In spite of rubbing the occasional sore butt cheek, I believe for the most part we turned out to good adults, parents and citizens. Those disciplinary actions did NOT mean I was not abused. It was simply the appropriate lesson in cause and effect. Of choice and consequence. And it worked.
The same was to be said for schools. There was a respect for teachers. There was a general diligence and calmness in the classrooms. There was in fact, a little teensy bit of fear that kept you in line. Not mortal fear, fight or flight signaling serious danger, but the fear of just consequences for crumby behavior.
Chances were if you messed up at school and came from the average household you were probably MORE worried about what would happen to you when you got home. Don't get me wrong, there was always a jackass or two, but the teachers were in a position to remove students who refused to cooperate and they were allowed to honor themselves and protect themselves as well as other students from witnessing unnecessary outbursts.
And then as my sister's good friend so truthfully stated, 'the pendulum swung the other way.' And it got stuck there.
Now parents are hesitant to discipline their children in grocery stores when they are having a temper tantrum for fear that a stranger will judge their parenting or worse yet report them. I would bet that almost any adult over 35 or 40, if waiting in line behind me in the grocery checkout when my four year old decides to go off like a siren because I won’t buy her gum, is secretly wishing I'd lift that child up and ‘give her something to cry about.’
I'm not a spanker. I'm a talker. A rationalizer. A privilege remover.
I realize all children are not difficult all the time. I don't believe that physical discipline is a good solution or 'consequence' for bad behavior or poor choices. However I also don't believe that we have done our children any favours by empowering them with a status that prevents parents from raising and disciplining their children in a reasonable and responsible way.
There is so much positive to be learned from rules, boundaries and consequences. Even as adults, a little bit of fear and consequence is what keeps us from doing really stupid stuff.
As I mentioned above, this is a highly sensitive subject. And I am by no means, suggesting that physical discipline is an answer to raising children in challenging moments. And I do realize that there are situations where authorities MUST be called for the safety of the children. That is a whole other blog.
However, I wonder if we aren't just beginning to see the full impact of our 'inaction'. While I don't personally advocate physical discipline as a way to guide and correct inappropriate behavior, I also don’t believe that a child, 9 or 16, should be able to tell an adult to stick it up their ass and be justified by society at large to do so.
Society encourages parents to tell your child how you feel when they use hurtful words. Rationalize. Compromise. Empathize. Victimize.
And when that doesn't work parents are encouraged to take away the child's Nintendo DS, IPOD, portable personal DVD player and cell phone.
Yikes.