I'm exhausted.
I am so tired that I can't even put a whole thought together.
On top of that I am officially the world's shittiest mother, I don't like my husband today and
well,
I suck.
My days evaporate into my work on the magazine.
I am trying hard, but after a whole year of building, planning and growing I don't know what to do next.
I am trying to connect to some sort of inner voice - and I can't get my brain to shut up. I am dizzy with my to do list and my shoulders ache from business stress. It is the first time that a hot bath and a good night's sleep doesn't solve anything. I am not sure how to get clear.
What pisses me off is that in a different way I am back at this pivotal point of hard work - I am standing at the bottom of a mountain looking up at it thinking - 'you want me to go where?' I feel like I am slogging along putting one foot in front of the other to try to get ahead. And my boots are heavy with mud.
Even that doesn't make sense.
When I was a single mom and worked three jobs I felt like this.
When I found out that the boyfriend I moved in with had a cocaine problem and I lost all my furniture I felt like this.
When I was depressed I felt like this.
Clouded. Stressed. Unclear. Unsure. Uncapable. Exhuasted.
And I am right pissed off about that.
Yes, I want this to be easier. I want to succeed. I want MORE.
I want a bank account that has money in it.
I want to know that there is money in my bank account to pay my power bill.
I want to feel like I am getting somewhere.
I want to take a holiday with my kids.
I want to not worry about money.
Why does everything in the whole world boil down to money? I can understand why money drives people to do terrible things. Because there is nothing in the world quite like lack.
Then I am pissed off some more because I have everything a woman could want.
Four beautiful healthy children. (that I feel as though I ignore)
Friends. (that don't want to spend time with me because I have a one-track magazine mind)
A husband. (that I don't want to talk to because we are both so stubborn that the longer we spend not talking and not connecting the easier it is to say - fine, who needs you
I should be completely happy and at peace.
And instead I am struggling.
Is this normal?
How did I get here?
Does everyone feel like this?
Or am I cycling through something?
I saw my kids for less than two hours today.
I had a meeting at 4:30pm and a practice at 7:00pm.
I didn't want to come home.
I feel like I want to run away and run until I can't run anymore.
I feel like I want to breakdown into a puddle.
I want someone to scoop me up and treat me like I'M the child.
I want help.
I want time alone.
When I got home my eight year old daughter said, "Mom, will you come to the school at 10:45 and celebrate Spring with my class?"
One more time I say no.
"No, Lydia. I have appointments in the city tomorrow. I can't come to the school tomorrow. I need to go to the city for meetings."
And I turn her down.
And then I am pissed off at me.
Because I am turning her down for people who are turning me down.
And I am tired.
And I feel guilty.
This is what I preach about.
All I have is this second and this second and this second.
Seconds I can never get back.
And I am trying not to be pissed off about that.
I warned you -
This too shall pass?
I am so tired that I can't even put a whole thought together.
On top of that I am officially the world's shittiest mother, I don't like my husband today and
well,
I suck.
My days evaporate into my work on the magazine.
I am trying hard, but after a whole year of building, planning and growing I don't know what to do next.
I am trying to connect to some sort of inner voice - and I can't get my brain to shut up. I am dizzy with my to do list and my shoulders ache from business stress. It is the first time that a hot bath and a good night's sleep doesn't solve anything. I am not sure how to get clear.
What pisses me off is that in a different way I am back at this pivotal point of hard work - I am standing at the bottom of a mountain looking up at it thinking - 'you want me to go where?' I feel like I am slogging along putting one foot in front of the other to try to get ahead. And my boots are heavy with mud.
Even that doesn't make sense.
When I was a single mom and worked three jobs I felt like this.
When I found out that the boyfriend I moved in with had a cocaine problem and I lost all my furniture I felt like this.
When I was depressed I felt like this.
Clouded. Stressed. Unclear. Unsure. Uncapable. Exhuasted.
And I am right pissed off about that.
Yes, I want this to be easier. I want to succeed. I want MORE.
I want a bank account that has money in it.
I want to know that there is money in my bank account to pay my power bill.
I want to feel like I am getting somewhere.
I want to take a holiday with my kids.
I want to not worry about money.
Why does everything in the whole world boil down to money? I can understand why money drives people to do terrible things. Because there is nothing in the world quite like lack.
Then I am pissed off some more because I have everything a woman could want.
Four beautiful healthy children. (that I feel as though I ignore)
Friends. (that don't want to spend time with me because I have a one-track magazine mind)
A husband. (that I don't want to talk to because we are both so stubborn that the longer we spend not talking and not connecting the easier it is to say - fine, who needs you
I should be completely happy and at peace.
And instead I am struggling.
Is this normal?
How did I get here?
Does everyone feel like this?
Or am I cycling through something?
I saw my kids for less than two hours today.
I had a meeting at 4:30pm and a practice at 7:00pm.
I didn't want to come home.
I feel like I want to run away and run until I can't run anymore.
I feel like I want to breakdown into a puddle.
I want someone to scoop me up and treat me like I'M the child.
I want help.
I want time alone.
When I got home my eight year old daughter said, "Mom, will you come to the school at 10:45 and celebrate Spring with my class?"
One more time I say no.
"No, Lydia. I have appointments in the city tomorrow. I can't come to the school tomorrow. I need to go to the city for meetings."
And I turn her down.
And then I am pissed off at me.
Because I am turning her down for people who are turning me down.
And I am tired.
And I feel guilty.
This is what I preach about.
All I have is this second and this second and this second.
Seconds I can never get back.
And I am trying not to be pissed off about that.
I warned you -
This too shall pass?
on February 21, 2008, 11:44 pm
This is the stuff of life, and to navigate it with grace will depend on countless factors.
Sometimes, just holding on is good enough.
Thanks for your honest words and human-ness Kim.
Aaron
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