My evil twin made an appearance yesterday.
Heads up: I really don't have an 'evil twin' and no, it wasn't my period, although I suspect it is hormonally related. (Even though I HATE that explanation for bad behaviour on the part of women.)
This feels completely out of my control. My evil twin is my 'Inner Terrorist.' This is the part of me who is never satisified, is completely miserable, has biting words, doubts everything, hates herself and wants to punch somebody out.
Usually she arrives and torments only me, but yesterday, my poor, unsuspecting husband greeted her with open arms when she knocked at the door.
The poor guy...
I decided as soon as I woke up, as I stumbled to the laundry room to start my 4th load of darks, that I hate my self. There has never been anyone as repulsive as me. My soft middle, my morning breath, my hair (which due to length, stands straight up in a pillow pressed Iroquois, only it tips to one side and bounces slightly when I walk), my white, mealy, porridge thighs. Frankly, if I don't like myself, then I don't like anyone else, either. (Notice that these are all physical traits that I despise
I bump around the kitchen like a fly against a window, begrudgingly make French toast and sausages for breakfast, and sip my coffee. All the while, in my head, I am berating myself, vowing to start a new diet and cursing the single white puffy cloud that dots the stunning blue sky behind the house.
Yesterday, nothing could have been right.
Around 11:30am my husband and I went for a 'run'. We used to run the whole track of cedar chip path around the lakes, but it has been five months since I've done a lick of exercise (read the previous blog: Exercise is my happy pill.) and exercise is what keeps me sane. Running even one block winds me now.
We were silent and I stormed several paces ahead for the first mile, making what I thought was a very clear, "I'm mad at you for nothing" statement.
Our run time is our together time. He tried to make small talk and received very short answers from me. We decided after the first third of the leg around the lake, that we would sit in our favourite sun spot and bask for a while.
The whole while my throat burned and ached, and tears stung at the backs of my eyes. My thoughts had grown and built all morning until I had created a complete internal disaster.
So I practically waggled my finger in his face and proceeded to say, "If you think I am attending a single wedding this summer (we have three and my 20 year school reunion) looking like a fucking beached whale, you've got another thing coming, Mister!"
He tried to deflect gently, but I rebuttled myself with something along the lines of - "I am a failure as a mother." and some big long nonsense explanation why I thought that.
I think he rolled his eyes and started to get frustrated. (He doesn't 'do' nonsense very well.) Then I did a bang up finish with a rant that "everyone else is perfect and I am a big fat stinking loser."
It's almost embarrassing to admit to today... but I have to.
By this point in the 'conversation' tears are coming even though I don't want them to. I wick them away from under my sunglasses and want to scream and freak out... not at him, but just in general. I only half-want him to reach out an arm and apologize for everything insensitive or selfish that he has ever done wrong.
Please remember that logically I KNOW this has nothing to do with him. I want him to make a big deal about me, and reassure me that I am lovely and wonderful, so that I can prove with valid personal testimonials that I am secretly the biggest human anomoly that walks the planet.
Instead, he is his usual reliable, practical and even-tempered self and says,
"Kim, you don't need anyone else to criticize, condemn, judge or beat you up, because you do a better job of it than anyone else possibly could. I can't believe that with where you are in your life, what you can do, what you've accomplished and how you live, that you would even consider talking about yourself like that. You think about and treat yourself way worse than anyone else could."
Any he's right.
My judgment of my own choices, thoughts, actions and emotions is completely volatile and severe. And on a day like yesterday, my 'Inner Terrorist' hijacks my mind and assualts the positive, happy peaceful and growing me, and does it's best to thwart any chance of bliss on a beautiful sunny day. Not only will it not let me be happy with myself, but it won't let anyone else be happy either.
Getting the inner terrorist to shut up can be really difficult. Self-doubt and self-judgement are powerful illusions. Old beliefs are equally as strong. You'll recognize them as the negative 'self-talk' that plays inside your head.
Internal running commentary like:
"I am such a loser."
"No wonder you're fat, can you stuff another bite in your mouth?"
"You aren't good enough."
Some of my own personal ones are:
"Chaos." (a nickname from childhood)
"Noone likes the big girl." (thoughts on physical self)
"Who do you think you are?" (thoughts on mental self)
No matter how much I've grown, how many changes I've made and who I've become - there are pieces deep inside that bubble up occasionally.
When I feel my insecurites bubble up, I move them aside or stuff them down or ignore them. Or I acknowledge them and let them go.
But once in a blue moon, it's harder to manage.
Like yesterday.
So today, I start fresh.
I see where I've been.
I practice extreme self-care. (bubble bath, heatlhy food, another run)
And I make amends. (Ask for and allow forgiveness.)
And I recognize that all I have is today.
I am not yesterday.
I am not tomorrow.
I am this moment.
And right this moment I am exactly where I am meant to be.
Lessons and all.
I am a work-in-progress.
Heads up: I really don't have an 'evil twin' and no, it wasn't my period, although I suspect it is hormonally related. (Even though I HATE that explanation for bad behaviour on the part of women.)
This feels completely out of my control. My evil twin is my 'Inner Terrorist.' This is the part of me who is never satisified, is completely miserable, has biting words, doubts everything, hates herself and wants to punch somebody out.
Usually she arrives and torments only me, but yesterday, my poor, unsuspecting husband greeted her with open arms when she knocked at the door.
The poor guy...
I decided as soon as I woke up, as I stumbled to the laundry room to start my 4th load of darks, that I hate my self. There has never been anyone as repulsive as me. My soft middle, my morning breath, my hair (which due to length, stands straight up in a pillow pressed Iroquois, only it tips to one side and bounces slightly when I walk), my white, mealy, porridge thighs. Frankly, if I don't like myself, then I don't like anyone else, either. (Notice that these are all physical traits that I despise
I bump around the kitchen like a fly against a window, begrudgingly make French toast and sausages for breakfast, and sip my coffee. All the while, in my head, I am berating myself, vowing to start a new diet and cursing the single white puffy cloud that dots the stunning blue sky behind the house.
Yesterday, nothing could have been right.
Around 11:30am my husband and I went for a 'run'. We used to run the whole track of cedar chip path around the lakes, but it has been five months since I've done a lick of exercise (read the previous blog: Exercise is my happy pill.) and exercise is what keeps me sane. Running even one block winds me now.
We were silent and I stormed several paces ahead for the first mile, making what I thought was a very clear, "I'm mad at you for nothing" statement.
Our run time is our together time. He tried to make small talk and received very short answers from me. We decided after the first third of the leg around the lake, that we would sit in our favourite sun spot and bask for a while.
The whole while my throat burned and ached, and tears stung at the backs of my eyes. My thoughts had grown and built all morning until I had created a complete internal disaster.
So I practically waggled my finger in his face and proceeded to say, "If you think I am attending a single wedding this summer (we have three and my 20 year school reunion) looking like a fucking beached whale, you've got another thing coming, Mister!"
He tried to deflect gently, but I rebuttled myself with something along the lines of - "I am a failure as a mother." and some big long nonsense explanation why I thought that.
I think he rolled his eyes and started to get frustrated. (He doesn't 'do' nonsense very well.) Then I did a bang up finish with a rant that "everyone else is perfect and I am a big fat stinking loser."
It's almost embarrassing to admit to today... but I have to.
By this point in the 'conversation' tears are coming even though I don't want them to. I wick them away from under my sunglasses and want to scream and freak out... not at him, but just in general. I only half-want him to reach out an arm and apologize for everything insensitive or selfish that he has ever done wrong.
Please remember that logically I KNOW this has nothing to do with him. I want him to make a big deal about me, and reassure me that I am lovely and wonderful, so that I can prove with valid personal testimonials that I am secretly the biggest human anomoly that walks the planet.
Instead, he is his usual reliable, practical and even-tempered self and says,
"Kim, you don't need anyone else to criticize, condemn, judge or beat you up, because you do a better job of it than anyone else possibly could. I can't believe that with where you are in your life, what you can do, what you've accomplished and how you live, that you would even consider talking about yourself like that. You think about and treat yourself way worse than anyone else could."
Any he's right.
My judgment of my own choices, thoughts, actions and emotions is completely volatile and severe. And on a day like yesterday, my 'Inner Terrorist' hijacks my mind and assualts the positive, happy peaceful and growing me, and does it's best to thwart any chance of bliss on a beautiful sunny day. Not only will it not let me be happy with myself, but it won't let anyone else be happy either.
Getting the inner terrorist to shut up can be really difficult. Self-doubt and self-judgement are powerful illusions. Old beliefs are equally as strong. You'll recognize them as the negative 'self-talk' that plays inside your head.
Internal running commentary like:
"I am such a loser."
"No wonder you're fat, can you stuff another bite in your mouth?"
"You aren't good enough."
Some of my own personal ones are:
"Chaos." (a nickname from childhood)
"Noone likes the big girl." (thoughts on physical self)
"Who do you think you are?" (thoughts on mental self)
No matter how much I've grown, how many changes I've made and who I've become - there are pieces deep inside that bubble up occasionally.
When I feel my insecurites bubble up, I move them aside or stuff them down or ignore them. Or I acknowledge them and let them go.
But once in a blue moon, it's harder to manage.
Like yesterday.
So today, I start fresh.
I see where I've been.
I practice extreme self-care. (bubble bath, heatlhy food, another run)
And I make amends. (Ask for and allow forgiveness.)
And I recognize that all I have is today.
I am not yesterday.
I am not tomorrow.
I am this moment.
And right this moment I am exactly where I am meant to be.
Lessons and all.
I am a work-in-progress.